‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
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[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
let’s discuss
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Worth remembering.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Happy Halloween 🎃
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor