Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
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Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.