“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
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her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!