4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
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[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Very good news from my accountant
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST