[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
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Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.