May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
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I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Saint West, the patron of selfies
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME