Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
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I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
When you’re Kinky but poor
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.