A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
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My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Perfect.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.