Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
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[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.