Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
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Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
look at me when i’m typing to you
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces