I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
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Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
cat vs inanimate object
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.