if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
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At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I love you…
…r dog.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.