If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
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[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.