Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
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Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today