For the ones in the back.
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Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Scream sneezers need love too.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.