This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
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2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
S/o to @funTweeters .
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.