Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
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me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Ovenable?
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.