*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
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“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
When you let grandma cat sit
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup