“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
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Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.