There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
You Might Also Like
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.