I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
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Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I missed you with all my darts
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
WHY?!
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story