I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
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Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?