friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
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My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Follow me for more life hacks.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.