I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
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If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”