safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
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Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.