You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
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My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Passwords are more important than ever.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook