I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
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Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Meanwhile in Canada…
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years