When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
You Might Also Like
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
A leaf blower, but for people.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.