If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
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I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?