Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
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We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure