More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
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When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god