principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
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[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
My dad.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??