Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
You Might Also Like
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class