[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
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Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Anime is real
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Brilliant!