The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
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[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus