You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
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Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.