Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
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Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
scrabbled eggs
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.