There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
You Might Also Like
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.