[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
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The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.