Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
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I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I’m confused about plants
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.