Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
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Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
She was REALLY feeling it.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should鈥檝e ate them when they were alive.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Bloody internet 馃槼
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
My neighbor鈥檚 smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.