I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
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[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.