Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
You Might Also Like
Not today.. 😂
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Wait a minute
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Science memes
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.