me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
You Might Also Like
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Can. I. Help. You.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.