Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
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I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Well well well…
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies