please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
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WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered