My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
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Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Every work meeting this week
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
thank god
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.