If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
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🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
This kid will have a bright future.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.