Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
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You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.