I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
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Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
the way this pissed me off… 😭
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again